Abyss

I thought damn, he finally did it. He finally left me alone. And the alone I felt this time would be different than I’ve ever known... It was dark, it was deep. It affected my moods and my sleep. It was depressing to even think. It affected every aspect of my life. I no longer smiled. I could no longer write. I went to our secret cove to see if he’d written an explanation for me to see. I visited his page quite frequently. Nothing. This was almost cruel. I mean, he’s never done me like this before. I felt like he knew me enough to know how bad this would hurt me but then again I think he gives me too much credit for seeming to be so strong. He seemed to only remember my façade. He spoon fed me hope so long I grew from the infant that used to regurgitate it to a grown child that swallowed it whole. They manifested into my soul. I believed them. I looked forward to them. I could no longer dream them, I could see them. Nothing. The sharpest side of me was happy but the duller side was sad. I’d slice through this pain like I always had, but this time my blade got stuck. The dull side just wasn’t sharp enough. I could no longer be me. I forgot who I was. I was miserable and this time it was from more than just love. I had no pawns to take down in my tirade of disdain. No laps or weights could release this pain. Every day was like every day. Nothing new, nothing gained. I mean, I know you don’t owe me shit but damn, you owe me shit. I seriously believed in you. Thought damn, this is good, this is what’s right but then I saw you commenting on someone’s post the other night. So damn, you just abandoned me. You didn’t change. You’re doing the same shit, a different way but without the emotions tied to me. How the fuck can you do that. How the fuck can you not think about me and feel bad about that. How the fuck do you expect me to be strong by myself when you were the biggest muscle inside of me. My heart. I can’t forgive you for this. I won’t forget this. Ever…. And there I was surrounded in love’s ocean. I nearly drowned. Buoyant dreams rushed me to the top. I saw light for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Seaweed had begun growing like limbs against mine. My heart drowned on the ocean floor this time. I had to leave it behind. He left me. But this time was different. He exited stage left instead of right. He didn’t prepare me for this scene change. He just left me on the stage. Lights blinding. Wandering. Wondering. What happened? This time I don’t hate him and I wasn’t sure exactly how to take that. This time I really cried and there was no fight in me to fake that. This time my pen couldn’t connect with my heart. Even water from brown eyes couldn’t paint this part…